Most days I feel like a failure.
For real, I'm talking about being a mom.
It's so stinking hard.
Whether I'm yelling at my kids to stop hugging my legs while I'm trying to pour myself my second cup of coffee or trying to get Max off of Zoe as she's taken some toy from him and he is not happy about it. (And yes, I literally yelled "Stop touching Mommy!" the other morning as I couldn't even move since each kid had one leg and were quite frankly pulling my pajama pants down with their intense squeezing. I felt immediate guilt as Max said "But Mommy, I love you and I'm giving you a hug.")
I get to a point, especially on days off or on the weekends when I'm usually on my own with the two beautiful monsters that I start feeling like I may be losing my mind. My to-do list hasn't got shorter, in fact it usually grows as the mess I was hoping to tackle is now accompanied by two other piles. Or the meal I hoped to make is now whatever we can throw together at the last-minute. Quite typically, I send Walter (who has been working long hours) a text message saying "Where are you!? I need help! I'm going crazy and just need to go the bathroom for 5 minutes without any company. Please come home!"
And then I feel guilty for admitting I can't even enjoy an entire day with my two littles (ages 3 and 1) without going insane. And sometimes I even get to the point wishing it was Monday so I could start working and have my nanny come to give me some mental respite.
And I think, "Wow, this is really hard." Parenting is not what I imagined it would be when I was dreaming up my future life as a little girl. And I honestly am so thankful that I am a working mom. Yes, that definitely has its challenges, but it gives my mind a break and helps me enjoy the hours every morning and afternoon I have with my kids (and that even includes bedtime - which could be another whole blog post) versus going insane after a full day.
Yet sometimes, there's sweet moments and I feel like maybe I got this thing figured out. Every once in awhile we have a great day where I can pull off making meals, doing laundry, playing cars, reading books, going to the park and still be enjoying my kids.
This week we had a staycation. I had taken the week off from work months ago and had been looking forward to a week with the family.
It ended up being mostly the kids and I being together as we went to the aquarium, various parks to bike and run, the children's museum and ended with a night at the Hilton for the 4 of us. Spending so much time together was exhausting and had me wishing for a minute alone (hence my 4:30am wake-up time for coffee, gratitude and writing).
Yet every night, Max looks at me and said "Mommy, you know I love you to the mountains, right?" And I'd say "Honey, I love you to the moon." He'd always respond saying "Well, Mommy the mountains are the biggest thing there is, so I love you more."
And who am I to argue?
As easy as it is to wish for a room without a toy on the floor, a day without a fight between two littles, or a meal that everyone actually likes.....I wouldn't change being "Mommy" for the world.
So to all the other mommies of toddlers, hang in there, savor the hugs, mess and mountaintop love - they tell me it get's better after 5 and that we will someday miss all of this.